Tania's Letter of Victory

Praise the Lord Young Ladies of Valor, Grace, and Beauty! We hope you find yourselves blessed in the Lord! We have such a special Letter of Victory for you today. It comes to us via Sis. Tania Blandon from the mission church in Bonita Springs, Fl. Tania is a person that loves to laugh and can make pretty much anyone smile with her charm :) However, there is a deep personal struggle within her smile. Continue on to find out how victorious Tania is in Christ!

 

Hello and God bless you all and whoever reads this letter. I wish I could say this letter is filled with victory but it isn’t. It’s a journey I walked for many years. What you guys are about to read is something that isn't so easy for me to share but I believe God had a purpose for it all so I am going to share it with you guys. If there is anyone going through these struggles, know that it’s never too late to ask for help, and God is ALWAYS there even if you don't feel Him. So before I lose my nerve, here goes everything!

 

 

For all you who know me, you know that growing up I wasn't the best person. As a matter of fact I was violent, explosive, mean, and I really didn’t care that I hurt people. The older I got, the meaner I became and eventually it didn’t matter who I lashed out on. Including my family. If I’m going to be honest, I guess it all leads back to when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I saw something that completely obliterated me. I saw a friend’s mom (whose name will follow me to the grave) with another man one day after school. She went to my church, her husband was a nice man and her kids were my friends. All I could think was, “How could she do this?! Didn’t she love her family? Her husband?” She was married and what she was doing was wrong. For weeks I couldn't look them in the eye because I knew but I just couldn’t say anything. I knew it would break that family and I couldn't do that. I just couldn’t bear the thought of breaking my friends’ hearts that way. As time went by, I grew resentment for this woman because in one way or another she indirectly made me keep that secret.

 

 

For days I couldn't sleep because of the guilt I felt inside. Days became weeks. Weeks became months. And the anger I felt at the time turned into resentment. I don’t even know when those feelings turned into hate but they did and I couldn’t control it. There came a time that I couldn't even look at her without disgust or help feeling so useless. I felt like a horrible friend for letting her get away with it but what could I do? I was just a kid and it really wrecked me inside. At first I just acted out in class when I was feeling anxiety. At the time I thought, I didn’t need an excuse for my behavior. Any little thing set me off and getting me out of that rage was nearly impossible. The more I thought about it the worse I felt and I don’t know, one day I just felt like I needed to punish myself for not being brave enough to speak up. I started starving myself and telling myself I didn't deserve to eat. I think that’s when I started to lose myself. After a while it wasn't enough and I adjusted to the amount I was letting myself eat. I think I was 10 the first time I cut and it just felt…good. Now I know it’s wrong and it wasn’t the answer and never will be. I was so desperate and too scared to ask for help and cutting took my mind off of what I felt inside.

 

 

I kept getting in trouble at school but I didn't cut often, not at first. Whenever I did, it was in places no one could tell and no one would have known because I hid it too well. Funny thing is that it started off as me punishing myself and it turned into an eating disorder and uncontrollable self-harm. Those things became the hardest struggle I’ve faced in my 24 years of life. Years passed and the struggle just continued and it just overwhelmed me. I took the doctrine classes at the same time as my brother but didn’t get baptized with him because I didn't feel worthy before the Lord. I know I probably disappointed my parents when I told them I wouldn’t be joining my brother. They asked me why but I couldn’t tell them I just said I wasn't ready. I was too ashamed to ask for help. No one knew what I was going through and unfortunately there was a sister at my church who didn't know any better. She began spreading rumors about me, saying I was anorexic and vain and all sorts of things. A lot of the members at that church began looking down on me because of my decision as well. At first the only thing that kind of hurt was the anorexic comment because she just threw it around not knowing how much I was being enslaved by that.

 

 

Over time it got worse and senior year I decided to join the Marines. Everything was set to go but home was the real war zone. My parents would ask me what I was running from, was I hurt, was I afraid of something or someone and I couldn't handle it? I would go to school, then track practice, then take the last bus home, just to avoid talking about it.

 

 

One night I sat in my garage with a puppy a sister gave me, when something inside me just…snapped. I felt so trapped, desperate, ashamed, and I started to cry. I couldn't keep running from God. I just cried for help, for a way out, and for Him to just take it all from me, just for Him to hold me I guess. I had been running track my entire life so my senior years was the fittest I had ever been. That night I got up and walked to one side of my garage. Before I knew it, I was sprinting as fast as I could into the other side of the garage. I don’t know how many times I hit my head, stumbled back up, and ran, did it again, and found no way out. My mom was the first to run into the garage. To this day I can’t shake the look on her face when she saw me. I can only imagine what she must have felt. She screamed for my dad and when he reached us he tried to calm me down but the state I was, I needed to let it out. After a while I just sat on the floor and didn't say a word I just cried and told them to leave me alone. Eventually they just gave me some space but cunning as satan is, he started up again. I looked around. I didn't really know what I was looking for until I saw the water hose. I didn't even realize what I was about to do but God works in mysterious ways, and as crazy as it may sound, I know He used my dog in that moment to help me come to my senses. If it hadn’t been for my dog coming out from under a table and licking me, I would have never looked down long enough to see that at least she loved me.

 

 

I guess that’s when it hit me. If this animal can look at me with so much love even though I’m damaged, imagine how God looks at me. I had never felt so low in my life. And I wept that night like I had never wept before. Things were ok for a while after that but like every addict with no help I eventually fell back into it. I hid it all again, and got a little too confident. The Bible tells us that God always humbles the boastful one way or the other. It’s like He wanted me to see for myself how much He loved me. I could feel it. So I tried asking for help but how does one ask for help with an issue like this? I grew up in church and I knew better but I was still doing it. I was so ashamed of myself so every time I told myself I would ask for help I would chicken out.
 

Then one morning my best friend (now boyfriend) came over. We headed to the playground like usual but I had forgotten my watch. I don’t even know why I had picked my wrist because I never did it there. I guess God had it all under control. We headed to the playground and just waited for my sister and brothers. He was the one who figured it out. If I picture his face at that moment for too long I’ll cry. I had never seen him cry, but he did. Then he hugged me and told me God could help me. I tried to deny it at first but he gave me an ultimatum. Either I said something or he would. I went home but nothing felt real.

 

 

I can’t even explain it. It just felt like a dream. I don’t know why I thought cutting was the answer but I did and I felt it so I knew I wasn't dreaming. In that same moment, my dad walked into my room and saw me. If I thought I felt low before I must have fell through the ground when I saw his face. That’s when it all became real, and I asked for help. My mom is a pretty strong woman and I could say the same for my dad. As a family we have gone through a lot so to see them cry just as bad as I was kind of hurt. But they were there, and they got me help. I started counseling but the real healing came through Christ. I had finally come to the end of the road and I just told Him to take it away. It’s almost like a sponge effect; like taking a dirty sponge, dipping it in water, squeezing out the dirty water, and repeating it. My heart literally felt like He was squeezing the pain, hate, remorse, resentment, fear, and everything else that was bringing me down, out of it and dipping it in His grace.

 

 

It’s been about three years since I’ve cut or starved myself. It’s not easy all the time, but its better. I eat everyday now, I’m more open, and I fold my knees before I think of cutting. It was hard for me because in my time, it wasn’t something people (especially in church) talked about but I believe that can change. Lord knows had I had some guidance I might not have gone through the things I did but I also know He has a purpose for me bigger than I could imagine.

 

 

So if anyone out there is struggling with these issues, shame is the mask hiding recovery. Learn from me and avoid the things I didn’t. Trust in God and don’t lose faith. I leave you all with this verse because believe it or not, God makes beauty from pain.
 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. “Ecclesiastes 3:11

 

 

Tania, thank you so much for being brave enough to share your testimony with us. The Lord has so many wonderful plans for your life. This is only the beginning. We love you! God bless you!